The Complaint Department
by Dragon'sHost
Summary: The oldest text to survive the tumultuous era that began in X784, nearly 200 years ago, is - rather ironically - a book of complaints.
1. Preface - Notes On Text

**Okay. Yeah. Another drabble series.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail.**

* * *

It is a curious fact that the second oldest known text to have survived the tumultuous age of two hundred years ago is a fictional novel known as _Searching For The Clock_ by renowned author of the time period, Lucy Heartfilia. By no means the only work of the Celestial Mage, this particular copy is the only surviving first edition on record.

Not as quite as famous is the collection of reports discovered deep within the archives of the Fairy Tail Guild. From the same time period, some of the reports within predate _Searching For The Clock_. However, this work is not nearly so well known, despite being the elder of the two texts.

What you hold in your hands is a reproduction of the original, as the text is too fragile due to its age to be handled in its present state. It is amazing that it survived as long as it did, given the stories that persist from that era.

The Archaeological Society of Fiore presents to you:

 _The Complaint Department of the Fioran Branch of the Magic Council_

 _Collection of Reports Filed Against the Various Magical Guilds Registered With the Fioran Branch_

* * *

 **I am insane.**


	2. Note By Authors

**Yup. Still insane. By the way, this series is going to contain a large number of my favorite crack pairings. You've been warned.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail.**

* * *

 _Translation Notes:_

 _The following excerpt was, in truth, scribbled with apparent haste upon a note and found shoved within the book when it was rediscovered. Although not a part of the text itself, the Archaeological Society believed it prudent to include this within the translated work. For if it is indeed as genuine as tests preformed at the time of this publication conclude it to be, it provides an intriguing insight into the era, for the simple fact that the joint authors of the note were well-known enemies of each other. Not only that, one was listed as a wanted criminal._

 _(1) It was, prior to the discovery of this text and note, unclear as to whether the individuals known as Mest Gryder and Doranbolt were in truth related at all, as stories of the men were confusing and unclear. This note confirmed the long-held suspicion that they were, in fact, the same person._

 _(2) The Magic Council of the era in question was destroyed several times by various individuals._

 _(3) Various linguistics experts believe the term, "for shits and giggles" to be a colloquialism of the era meant to convey an act perpetrated for the sole sake of inciting laughter._

 _(4) It is worth mentioning that Erik Heartfilia, in addition to his status as a fugitive, was believed to be the husband of Lucy Heartfilia, the author of the second oldest surviving text from the era._

* * *

I retrieved these reports from the wreckage of the Magic Council on two separate occasions. _(1)_ I hope that one day, the guild can look back at these and see how far we've all come.

 _-Mest Gryder, of Fairy Tail, formerly Doranbolt of the Magic Council, formerly Mest Gryder of Fairy Tail. (2)_

Ignore the moron. We're putting these here because quite frankly this shit needs to be buried deep. And I'm also doing this for shits and giggles. _(3)_

 _-Erik Heartfilia, of Crime Sorciere, formerly Cobra of Oracion Seis. (4)_


	3. Report 1

**And here is the first report! Let me know what you guys think.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail (or Geoff really - he is the property of Eddie Izzard).**

* * *

 **Report Dated Year X791, Month of September, Day 16.**

Magic Council  
Fiore Branch  
Department of Complaints Filed  
Against Guilds Registered With the Fiore Branch

 **Guilds Named in Complaint:**

Lamia Scale, Blue Pegasus

 **The following complaint was filed against these guilds on September 14, Year X791.**

 _Hurricane force winds were recorded as originating from Lamia Scale, shortly prior to the guild's roof being ripped off and sent hurtling through the town. The local Meteorological Society confirms no natural weather patterns to be the cause. Upon investigation by the 14th Contingent of the 3rd Custody Enforcement Unit of the Rune Knights, stationed within the town, the cause was determined to be a training mishap perpetrated by Lamia Scale mages Wendy Marvell (1), Chelia Blendy (2), and Blue Pegasus mage Ren Akatsuki (3)._

 **Summation of Damages Submitted to the Magic Council Department of Magical Incident Reimbursement:**

4 private homes sustained minor siding and roof damage  
5 public buildings with broken windows  
3 utility poles knocked askew  
1 public fountain completely destroyed _(4)_

Total cost of anticipated repairs: 3,600,000 Jewel

Total to award victims for emotional distress: 450,000 Jewel

 **Total Fine: 4,050,000 Jewels**

Lamia Scale's Portion: 2,713,500 Jewels - **reduced to 1,628,100 Jewels with amount covered by Magical Accident Insurance**

Blue Pegasus' Portion: 1,336,500 Jewels - **reduced to 801,900 Jewels with amount covered by Magical Accident Insurance**

In addition to the fine, the guilds in question are to submit written apology letters to the city for destruction of public property, to each of the private owners, and to the Magic Council.

Blue Pegasus is hereby ordered to assist in the reconstruction of Lamia Scale's roof, as one of their mages is partially responsible. The details are to be sorted out between the Guild Masters. If an agreeable solution cannot be found, arbitration services are available free of charge by the Magic Council.

 ** _Report Authored by Geoff Jeff D'Gioeff, Magic Council Employee #100977._** _(5)_

* * *

 **Addendum to The Prior Incident Report**

 **Dated Year X791, Month of September, Day 17.**

Upon serving the fine paperwork and report of complaint to Lamia Scale and Blue Pegasus, Guild Master Ooba Babaasama _(6)_ spun the deliveryman until he vomited.

 **70,000 Jewels have been added to Lamia Scale's fine for a total of 871,900 Jewels payable to the Magic Council, Fiore Branch.**

* * *

 _Translation and Notes From The Historical Record:_

 _(1) Wendy Gryder, nee Marvell, was not only responsible for discovering key soul-healing techniques, but it must also be noted that she later became the wife of one of the compilers of this text, Mest Gryder._

 _(2) Chelia Tilm, nee Blendy, eventually became Guild Master of Lamia Scale after Jura Neekis (7) retired, who took the title after Ooba Babaasama passed away. Ren Akatsuki was also her cousin by marriage.  
_

 _(3) Ren Akatsuki, though not a Slayer like the two others with whom he shares this incident report, was an Air mage of significant skill who went on to create a more inclusive combative form of Air magic along with developing new predictive patterns for weather currents._

 _(4) The reconstructed fountain still stands today as one of Fiore's most venerated historical landmarks - The Sky Children Fountain, modeled after the three mages that instigated the need for its creation._

 _(5) Documents recovered and subsequently copied from the era indicate that Geoff Jeff D'Gioeff was indeed an employee of the Magic Council at that time, but nothing else confirming his existence has ever been discovered. In fact, his employee number is suspiciously the same as the prisoner number of Cobra of Oracion Seis, later known as Erik Heartfilia - one of the compilers of this text._

 _(6) Ooba Babaasama was the oldest Guild Master to hold the title when she passed away at the age of 126._

 _(7) Jura Neekis in addition to being a former Wizard Saint, is infamous for holding title as Guild Master for the shortest length of time - one hour. Beating out previous record holder Gildarts Clive of Fairy Tail at 18 hours._


	4. Report 2

**The second report! I'm so excited that you all like it so much so far! For the amounts of damages, I basically just equated Jewels with Yen based on the known prices of various things within the Fairy Tail universe. Which would put damages too low in my opinion, but I assume that the cost of construction in Fiore is faster and cheaper with the availability of magic.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail (or Geoff - he is the property of Eddie Izzard).**

* * *

 **Report Dated Year X779, Month of May, Day 03.**

Magic Council  
Fiore Branch  
Department of Complaints Filed  
Against Guilds Registered With the Fiore Branch

 **Guilds Named in Complaint:**

Fairy Tail _(1)_

 **The following complaint was filed against these guilds on March 31, Year X779.**

 _The source of the laboratory explosion in Shirotsume on March 20, Year X779 has been determined to have been indirectly caused by Fairy Tail mage Laxus Dreyar (2). The investigative team from the Intelligence Department found that a stray lightening bolt, containing the traveling mage, struck the town square at 13:45 hours. The resulting shockwave and subsequent thunderclap startled a laboratory scientist into dropping an Erlenmeyer flask containing highly explosive materials. Protection spells on the building kept the blast relatively contained, though several nearby structures caught fire. Only the scientist who dropped the flask was seriously burned, as no one was around due to a festival under way on the other side of town.  
_

 _The giant, tentacled monster that continues to terrorize Shirotsume has been determined to also be the indirect fault of Laxus Dreyar, as the explosion released many magical creatures and saturated them in a variety of magical chemicals. Many more animals are suspected to have escaped, though this is the only one that has remained in the area to the best of the investigation team's knowledge. Several civilians have been injured._

 **Summation of Damages Submitted to the Magic Council Department of Magical Incident Reimbursement:**

6 public buildings with moderate to severe fire damage  
3 public buildings with mild fire damage  
24 private homes damaged by rampaging monster  
5 public buildings damaged by rampaging monster  
10 private homes destroyed by rampaging monster  
3 public buildings destroyed by rampaging monster

Total cost of anticipated repairs: 124,650,000 Jewel

Total to award victims for emotional distress: 18,750,000 Jewel

Total hospital bill for injured: 3,500,000 Jewel

 **Total Fine: 146,900,000 Jewels**

 **reduced to 110,175,000 Jewels with amount covered by Magical Accident Insurance**

In addition to the fine, the guild in question is to submit written apology letters to the city for destruction of public property, to each of the private owners, and to the Magic Council.

Laxus Dreyar is hereby ordered to capture - not exterminate - the monster in Shirotsume for no reward. The Society For The Study Of Magical Creatures has put in a request to examine this particular specimen _(3)_. If further damages occur during the capture, they will be billed to Fairy Tail according to normal procedures. Failure to capture, or if the monster should be killed, will be considered non-compliance with this order and result in further fines.

 ** _Report Authored by Geoff Jeff D'Gioeff, Magic Council Employee #100977._** _(4)_

* * *

 **Addendum to The Prior Incident Report**

 **Dated Year X779, Month of May, Day 04.**

The deliveryman reported that, upon being served with the complaint, Fairy Tail Guild Master Makarov Dreyar _(5)_ nearly drove himself to a heart attack with his ensuing laughter. Laxus Dreyar immediately set out to fulfill the monster-hunting order, with great embarrassment as Guild Master Makarov proclaimed young Laxus, "truly my grandson indeed."

 **Note: Keep an eye on the youngest Dreyar. Will expect further gross damage reports in the future from this individual.** _(6)_

* * *

 **Addendum to The Prior Incident Report**

 **Dated Year X779, Month of May, Day 13.**

Upon further study of the monster, The Society For The Study of Magical Creatures has found that the monster was in fact an illegal composite crafted from several endangered species. They also concluded that the amount of the substances that resulted in the mutations that led to its gargantuan size were in excess of what the Magic Council allows private laboratories to store.

 **50,900,000 Jewels deducted from bill's subtotal, to be fined to the laboratory owner Duke Everlue.** _(7)_

 **New Amount Owed (adjusting for Magical Accident Insurance): 72,000,000** **payable to the Magic Council, Fiore Branch.**

* * *

 ** _Translation and Notes From The Historical Record:_**

 _(1) Fairy Tail is the Guild named in over 95% of these reports._

 _(2) Laxus Dreyar, on the date of this report, was 18. He was the grandson of then-Guild Master Makarov Dreyar. Laxus Dreyar went on to become the 9th Master of Fairy Tail.  
_

 _(3) The monster in question is still alive, thanks to the various chemicals it was exposed to. It may be seen at the Lisanna Strauss Nature Preserve near Hosenka. The Society For The Study Of Magical Creatures lovingly named the monster, "Anastasia." She continues to lead a happy life at the preserve, with her mate and 589 offspring._

 _(4) It must be additionally noted that Geoff Jeff D'Gioeff is the author of vast majority of the complaints within this record._

 _(5) Makarov Dreyar was the 3rd Master of Fairy Tail. Also the 6th. And the 8th._

 _(6) Laxus Dreyar is, indeed, mentioned several more times within this text._

 _(7) Duke Everlue was, some years later, tried for treason and tax evasion by the Royal Court of Fiore. He was sentenced to 540 years in prison._

* * *

 **I decided not to do a note for Lisanna right now. She'll get one later!**


	5. Report 3

**I am on a roll, here. This one was a lot easier to write than the last one, for some reason.  
**

 **There was some confusion as to how Geoff's name is pronounced. So here is the pronunciation: Jeff Jeff Di-Jeff. He was born on the first of Geoff, Nineteen-Jeff-D'Gioeff.  
**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail (or Geoff - he is the property of Eddie Izzard).**

* * *

 **Report Dated Year X783, Month of January, Day 02.**

Magic Council  
Fiore Branch  
Department of Complaints Filed  
Against Guilds Registered With the Fiore Branch

 **Guilds Named in Complaint:**

Fairy Tail

 **The following complaint was filed against these guilds on January 01, Year X783.**

 _Several merchants lodged complaints with the Oshibana Rune Knight outpost in regards to the actions of one Natsu Dragneel (1) of Fairy Tail on the evening of December 31, Year X782. It was claimed that Natsu Dragneel set fire to multiple carts of Grade-5 Class-12 (2) pyrotechnical displays, resulting in explosions across the city. Eyewitness accounts place Natsu Dragneel in pursuit of a petty thief at the time of the incidents, and subsequent mapping of his route taken indicate that he is, indeed, responsible. He was also heard shouting, "I'm all fired up!" as he recklessly spouted flames from his mouth.  
_

 _In addition to the destruction of the pyrotechnical displays, Natsu Dragneel flooded the city (3) after releasing the up-valley dam's overflow controls by way of an inappropriately pushed button (4). It is assumed this was perpetrated in an attempt to capture the aforementioned thief.  
_

 **Summation of Damages Submitted to the Magic Council Department of Magical Incident Reimbursement:**

7 private homes with mild to moderate fire damage  
15 public buildings with mild to moderate fire damage  
37 private homes with moderate to severe water damage  
27 public buildings with moderate to severe water damage  
69 private homes with mild water damage  
10 public buildings with mild water damage

Total cost of anticipated repairs: 16,650,000 Jewel

Total to award victims for emotional distress: 1,920,000 Jewel

Total hospital bill for injured: 1,400,000 Jewel

Total cost of misc personal & public property destroyed: 3,800,000 Jewel

 **Total Fine: 23,770,000 Jewels**

 **reduced to 17,827,500 Jewels with amount covered by Magical Accident Insurance**

In addition to the fine, the guild in question is to submit written apology letters to the city for destruction of public property, to each of the private owners, and to the Magic Council.

 ** _Report Authored by Geoff Jeff D'Gioeff, Magic Council Employee #100977._**

* * *

 **Addendum to The Prior Incident Report**

 **Dated Year X783, Month of January, Day 15.**

Natsu Dragneel, in his apology letters, inadvertently admitted to several more counts of property destruction heretofore unknown to the Magic Council.

 **1,561,000 Jewels have been added to Fairy Tail's fine for a total of 19,388,500 Jewels payable to the Magic Council, Fiore Branch.**

* * *

 ** _Translation and Notes From The Historical Record:_**

 _(1) Natsu Dragneel is mentioned as a participating party in over 63% of these reports. It was later discovered that he was, in fact, a demon created by the Black Wizard Zeref. His exact fate is unknown, though rumors persist of him turning into a dragon. Regardless of the validity of that theory, he did lead a happy, if destructive, life with his wife Yukino Dragneel, nee Aguria, and his children Igneel Dragneel and Hoshino Fernandez, nee Dragneel.  
_

 _(2) Highest grade and class of commercial fireworks available at the time. Natsu Dragneel contributed greatly to the study of how to create larger, magical displays of fireworks over the course of his life.  
_

 _(3) This incident later became known as "The Great New Year's Eve Flood of X782."  
_

 _(4)_ _The phrase, "Inappropriately Pushed Button," appears in reference to Natsu Dragneel specifically in well over 600 unique incidents both within these reports and in other records stored in Archive._


	6. Report 4

**Sorry for the wait! Here's the next one!  
**

 **It sort of ties into my other story, The Lord of Dance. I love Vijeeter. So, so much.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail (or Calvin - he is the property of Bill Watterson).**

* * *

 **Report Dated Year X786, Month of July, Day 18.**

Magic Council  
Fiore Branch  
Department of Complaints Filed  
Against Guilds Registered With the Fiore Branch

 **Guilds Named in Complaint:**

Fairy Tail, Sabertooth

 **The following complaint was filed against these guilds on July 15, Year X786.**

 _While undertaking a non-Council-approved job request, Vijeeter Ecor (1) of Fairy Tail and R* (2) of Sabertooth unleashed not one, five hell-beasts upon a delegation of foreign diplomats at the Royal Palace. Rune Knights and Royal Guardsmen on duty were able to contain the situation with no major injuries to the guests or personnel. However, significant property damage was sustained.  
_

 _During the ensuing commotion, they managed to steal a ceremonial artifact sword on display at the Grand Hall where the meeting took place - leaving behind an I.O.U. note written on a used bar napkin in Vijeeter Ecor's penmanship according to our handwriting analysis of it. (3)  
_

 **Summation of Damages Submitted to the Magic Council Department of Magical Incident Reimbursement:**

2 damaged tapestries  
8 broken tables  
69 broken chairs  
14 damaged light fixtures  
6 stained ornamental rugs  
26 cracked floor tiles  
1 cracked wall

Total cost of anticipated cleaning and repairs: 24,550,000 Jewel

Total to award victims for emotional distress: 1,920,000 Jewel

Total hospital bill for injured: 900,000 Jewel

 **Total Fine: 27,370,000 Jewels**

 **This incident is not covered under Magical Accident Insurance.  
**

Fairy Tail's Portion: 13,685,000 Jewels

Sabertooth's Portion: 13,685,000 Jewels

In addition to the fine, the guilds in question is to submit written apology letters to the royal family for destruction of property, to each of the diplomats, to each member of staff injured by the incident, and to the Magic Council.

Vijeeter Ecors shall be detained, pending trial by the Magic Council.

R* due to * and his age shall not be subject to trial by the Magic Council.

 **Report Authored by Calvin Watterson, Magic Council Employee #257564.** _(4) **  
**_

* * *

 **Addendum to The Prior Incident Report**

 **Dated Year X786, Month of July, Day 21.**

Vijeeter Ecors escaped the Magic Council's custody and is now regarded a fugitive.

 **A reward for his capture in the amount of 150,000 Jewels has been posted to the local Guilds.**

* * *

 **Addendum to The Prior Incident Report**

 **Dated Year X786, Month of July, Day 25.  
**

Vijeeter Ecors has been returned to the Magic Council's custody by the Sabertooth Guild.

 **The trial date is set for July 27, Year X786.**

* * *

 **Addendum to The Prior Incident Report**

 **Dated Year X786, Month of July, Day 27.**

During his trial, Vijeeter Ecors confessed to destroying the ceremonial sword of which he was accused of stealing. The trial was also *

 **He has been sentenced to two months in prison, with one year of probation due to mitigating factors. See trial transcript for further detail.** _(5)_ **  
**

* * *

 ** _Translation and Notes From The Historical Record:_**

 _(1) Vijeeter Ecors never became a famous mage, but he is renowned for his contributions to the dance community over the course of his life. He passed away at the age of 67, after his final performance at the National Ballet Theater of Fiore.  
_

 _(2) Parts of this report contain scorch marks and soot residue, making sections of the transcript unintelligeable. Modern techniques have restored most sections of the document, but portions of the text could not be recovered. It is believed, when compared to the guild rosters of that year, that the only two members who fit the name and age requirements for this incident were Rufus Lore and Ryos/Rogue Cheney. It is unknown at the time of this publication which was partially responsible for this incident.  
_

 _(3) This bar napkin is still on display in the Museum of Curious Artifacts, located in Crocus.  
_

 _(4) Calvin Watterson still holds the record at the Magic Council for "Employee That Caused More Incidents Than They Resolved."_

 _(5) Said transcript has never been recovered._


	7. Report 5

**I had a tough time deciding which incident to do next! Sorry for the wait! Kind of short this time.  
**

 **Tsubasa: Thank you so much! Glad you're enjoying it - especially the format!  
**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail (or Geoff - he is the property of Eddie Izzard).**

* * *

 **Report Dated Year X785, Month of September, Day 25.**

Magic Council  
Fiore Branch  
Department of Complaints Filed  
Against Guilds Registered With the Fiore Branch

 **Guilds Named in Complaint:**

Fairy Tail

 **The following complaint was filed against these guilds on September 23, Year X785.** _(1) **  
**_

 _During the Harvest Festival celebration (2) held in Magnolia City, a vendor lodged a complaint with the local contingent of Rune Knights supervising the event. In said complaint, the vendor claimed a Fairy Tail mage had destroyed his shooting gallery stand and was spreading libelous claims that his stand was rigged. Upon questioning several witnesses and investigating the scene, it was determined that magic was indeed used to destroy the stand. Bisca Mulan (3) confessed to being the culprit.  
_

 _No injuries were reported, and the damage was limited to the stand itself.  
_

 _However, further investigation yielded the knowledge that the shooting gallery had been rigged outside the accepted parameters allowed by the Harvest Festival Committee. (4) Libel charges were dropped against Bisca Mulan. The Rune Knights' findings regarding the vendor's actions were referred to the Harvest Festival Committee as they do not fall under the Rune Knights' jurisdiction.  
_

 **Summation of Damages Submitted to the Magic Council Department of Magical Incident Reimbursement:**

1 privately owned business stand  
Contents of stand

Total cost of stand replacement including contents : 85,000 Jewel

Total to compensate for projected earnings lost: 80,000 Jewel

 **Total Fine: 165,000 Jewels**

 **Reduced to 123,750 Jewels with amount covered under Magical Accident Insurance.**

In addition to the fine, the guild in question is to submit written apology letters to the Harvest Festival Committee for the disruption of festivities, and to the Magic Council.

 ** _Report Authored by Geoff Jeff D'Gioeff, Magic Council Employee #100977._**

* * *

 **Addendum to The Prior Incident Report**

 **Dated Year X785, Month of September, Day 30.**

The Harvest Festival Committee found the vendor guilty of violating their policies, both in regards to fairness and safety. As the stand was deemed to have been run in an unsafe manner, the Committee has agreed to pay 50,000 Jewels to the Magic Council on Fairy Tail's behalf. _(5)_

 **This brings Fairy Tail's adjusted total owed to 73,750 Jewels.**

* * *

 ** _Translation and Notes From The Historical Record:_**

 _(1) This incident occurred one month after a large group of Fairy Tail's mages that went missing in a dragon attack on Tenrou Island were declared legally dead.  
_

 _(2) The Harvest Festival celebration remains a part of Magnolia's local culture, and has grown quite large over the centuries.  
_

 _(3) One year later, Bisca Mulan became Bisca Connell when she wed Alzack Connell, also of Fairy Tail. Both were renowned sharpshooters of their day, and they hold many distinctions in the sport. They had three daughters.  
_

 _(4) The Harvest Festival Committee is the organizing body behind the Harvest Festival preparations. It is formed at the local government level, and therefore not under the Rune Knights' purview. However, a certain number of Rune Knights are stationed around the Festival every year due to the high number of mages in attendance.  
_

 _(5) As the Fairy Tail guild has a history of contributing a great deal to the festival every year, they have a permanent representative spot on the Harvest Festival Committee. This is likely why the Committee agreed to pay off a portion of Fairy Tail's debt.  
_


End file.
